Last post Wed, Jun 25 2008 6:46 PM by strokie. 66 replies.
I suppose we all have our issues at one point or another where we wonder if our disabilities make us unattractive to otherwise potential dates, potential new boy/girlfriends, potential life partners.
I've been in a number of disability discussion groups where people recoiled from the topic as if it were just too hot to handle, which is understandable, as it must be a very deeply sensitive issue for some to so much as ponder on their own, worse yet in public. It seems especially difficult for people to speak from the "I" or first-person and perhaps easier to talk about it in the second or third person.
I had thought that most people with disabilities in due course grew out of this questioning-one's-attractiveness stage, but I keep running into adult PWDs who admit it's still a major ordeal in their lives and that they suffer grief, if not long-term depression, from how they think others "see" them and how they think of themselves.
Okay, we all know the platitudes and drills about self-affirmations and the generalizations that "everybody's beautiful in their own way" , etc., etc., but I'd like to hear folks discuss this candidly and courageously without all the polyanna stuff. To some extent, that "stuff" often serves as denial that one questions his/her attractiveness due to disability.
Does your disability make you feel unattractive and thus "rejectable" by potential sexual/romantic interests?
If it were not for your disability, would you otherwise feel attractive to yourself and others?
Any brave souls wanna comment?
Justin
I cannot respond in the first person, but I feel compelled to respond. The love of my life if a C5 quadriplegic. Did his disability make him unattractive to me? No. I do however, think that it makes him self-concious and it took me a while to help him understand that disability or no, he is my other half, the love of my life and I will be with him no matter what. I am going to have to ask him if it makes him feel unattractive or less lovable, but to me he is Superman - quite simply the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life. (FYI, I am in my 40's so I do have a bit of a life behind me.)
Interesting topic. My response? yes. You just know that people see disability first. "Oh he/she would be so attractive if it weren't for the ___." Not everyone feels that way, and some may not even realize it, but I think it's a part of our society.
Back in 1990 or so when I was in a sorority, I remember there was a girl who went through rush (the way you go about getting chosen for a sorority or fraternity for those who don't know) who had a disability. I don't know what it was, something that made one leg shorter than the other, and she walked with a pronounced limp. One of my "sisters" went up to another sister after the first rush party and asked her what she had talked to that girl about, as if it was so scandalous. I think that kind of thinking is still a big part of our culture.
It could also be that people see utility in future mates. I mean, if I wasn't married I wouldn't date someone else who is disabled unless they could also be a caregiver, and vice versa. Perhaps people see disability and think, though unconsciously, I don't want to take care of them.
"Important events are obscure. Some believe all manner of hearsay evidence; others twist truth into fiction; and time magnifies both perversions."Tacitus
It's all how you present your self. You have to be well kept...neat stylish attire, clean etc...but then then present yourself. I'm a scuba instructor, my customers quickly do ignnore my crutches after I toss few scuba tanks around and see me in the water...I actively participate in the rescue part of class. Keeps me in shape plus builds their confidence of my abilities to keep them alive. Other than climb I'm just as abled as anyone else
Joe
I'm feeling brave!
First though, I don't think all the positive self-statements you mentioned are necessarily denial or not at times true for all of us..if we believe feeling attractive WITH our disabilities is denial AND we believe that NOT feeling attractive with our disabilities is having a low self-esteem or not being secure with outselves..so it kind of leaves us with no good options you know?
I think I do see what you mean though...you are looking for our honest answers about when we do feel unattractive...so here goes....
For me it happens when i find some look/clothing item/etc. that I find sexy or attractive and it fits my style BUT it won't work for me because of some aspect of my disability. It's that split second between me liking something and realizing it won't work....it's disappointing more than anything I guess.
It really depends on my mood but sometimes my arm bowing bugs me and other times my differing curves due to OI...so sometimes i do feel unattractive other times I feel differently about my features.
As usual I am going to stick in my 2c here.
We do not "all" have issues wondering if disabilty makes us unattractive to otherwise potential dates. Because we do not "all" have any interest in dating, disability notwithstanding. At age 31 it has never occured to me to date. So I don't have to worry about what potential dates think about my attractiveness. Sometimes I think I am fortunate this way but mostly I just think - well that's how it is without it being a good thing or a bad thing. While most people without disabilies are not asexual or aromantic, a few of us are. Just like a few people without disabilities are also.
I also don't have any real sense of beauty or attractiveness in others. I know what I like to wear and how I like my hair to be arranged. But I have no sense of what others consider beautiful except what people have told me directly or I have read in books. So I guess to me everyone is beautiful in his or her own way, which isn't Pollyannaish, it's just oblivion. Flowers are pretty. Long dresses with lace and ribbons are often pretty. I have no idea if a person is pretty.
Frankly, I always was such a truly unremarkable little thing. Nobody ever took notice of me. I could go to a party, have a good time with my friend, and leave again without having talked to anybody.
But ever since I'm in a chair, people always take notice of me. They even recall my name.
I don't go out, and I never date, so I don't really care, but it is hard to feel less attractive with so much attention.
Daisies
I think that if someone is cool and you connect with them a disability isn't important. I mean depending on what your looking for of course. If I was attracted to someone and that peron was someone I had a connection with and they with me then who cares. I have a few disabilities and to tell you the honest truth...I'm pretty convinced that it will cause me to be alone. I feel unattractive to myself and i guess there is some time when I am supposed to accept it but each time I think I have accepted it...I get worse. My depression is so bad and the fibro pain is at an all time high. I am very upset that i am wasting time and not getting anything at all done. I think that is unattractive because the one thing I have is my tenacity and it seems that's going to the crapper too. Its not about giving up, etc..its just that I personally can't accept that I am forced to be lazy. As for the topic at hand. I know that if I ever do feel like I want to have a relationship I will feel very apprehensive about disclosing the truth about my disabilities cuz after all...I don't LOOK sick! My last boyfriend didnt get it!! When he had a hangnail the world had to stop but I was expected to be happy and smiling all the time si I guess it made me unattractive to him.
It's all about the confidence that one shows everyday. I look people straight in the eye, when I speak to them.
"Remember you never get a second chance to make a first impression"
Stay Strong
Vinny
It's all about how you carry yourself. If you put out a positive, confident attitude, that's what people will see.
Let's not fool ourselves, Yes, people see the disability first. It's only human. But if you put out the right attitude, the right people will respond. If they can't see past the disability, you don't need them in your life. Move on.
no.....
I find people in wheel chairs attractive...
I find with one missing leg attractive.........
I don't think someone is going to care if you in a wheelchair to be honest with you
It depends on how you connect or whatever..
Yes, pyhsical attraction does play a part. BUT, a really hot babe in a wheel chair is just that. A really hot babe in a wheel chair.
Take the model spokesperson featured all over this site.., She is really attractive.. I don't think she is any less
attractive cause she's in a wheel chair
If you didn't wanna read through all that, the short answer is: No
Usually I do not read this type of message thread but today I am feeling brave and introspective. It should be noted that I needed to read the original posting two or three times but I will try to provide a sincere response to both of the questions that were presented at the end.
As a person that has had their disability all their life (42 years) separating myself from the disability is difficult at best. I have spinal muscular atrophy and I am quite disabled. My disability is part of my persona and consciousness. It is integral to who I am and what I do. I mentioned in another message thread that I have been very busy lately. What has kept me busy lately has been fighting on behalf of a client who is very disabled. New York City is trying to deny her the proper level of home care services and force her into a traditional/medical model home care agency that would completely control her existence. I mention this because it demonstrates another characteristic about me which is that I think that arguing and standing up for people is important. Sometimes these characteristics also turn people off. Disability is just another part of who I am. Among the many things that people might find unattractive about me, disability is just one. Among the many things that I have been accused of include, being opinionated, obnoxious, abrupt, Republican, lawyer, vegetarian, Yankee fan etc.. If they find that unattractive, I do not waste any time on things that are beyond my control. Basically that is their problem.
From my perspective, I find disability very attractive! I think I will always be attracted to women with disabilities because I like the idea of someone coming from a similar experience and background. It is funny, in NYC, the rules of 6° of separation, definitely apply. If there are two gimps, that have never met before talking to one another, there is almost always some commonality. That part of a relationship is very important to me. Much of the superficial able-bodied exploration of another person does not even occur. That does not mean that people with disabilities are not enjoying their sexuality, it's just that it is different.
I was in a relationship with a woman with cerebral palsy (not the person mentioned above) for a 10 year period that recently ended. As strange as it might seem, we are still good friends and speak almost daily. It was a very fulfilling experience that I would not change. She taught me a lot about myself and, I would like to think that I equally reciprocated. Although we had our bumps along the way as all couples probably have, we both grew. Being accepted for just being me, gave me confidence to make some of the broader statements indicated above.
I was going to make a flippant remark, related to being attracted to myself, as is suggested in the final question, as relating to narcissism and masturbation. But that would be obnoxious. People already think that about me!
Hope that these comments add to the overall conversation.
I was born with ectrodactyly, which basically means I am missing several fingers and toes on each hand and foot. I've never been too fond of the term "disabled" because it makes me feel as if I'm admitting I cannot do things like "normal" people can, which is totally not the case. But anyways, enough of that little tangent. I obviously am physically different, and people tend to notice it. Do I think of myself as less attractive? No. Have other people? Yes. In my freshman year of high school I had a guy who wouldn't date me because of it. But on the other hand, I have had guys who have had no problem wth it. I think that it varies person to person. Do I wish everyone was openminded about dating those of us who look different? Of course. Once I found out the guy in my freshman year didn't want to date me because of my ectrodactyly, I was totally over him. I wasn't and still wont chase after someone who will not love me for me. This condition does not rule my life, but it does make me who I am.
Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. I do know when someone gets to know you at a deep level, the dissability becomes just part of the person, like someone being blonde or having glasses. I will say that when there is a breakup or when a period of time where noone seems to look at you as more than a friend, one can feel Unattractive and start blaming the dissability. I would think also that happends to people who dont have a dissability and may blame it on something else.
I have only had one "relationship," and this was a girl who intially took interest in me. During that "relationship" i felt as if i was the luckiest, most hansome, sexy, desirable, man ever to breathe air. So attractiveness can just be in somone's mind.
--- this is my first post btw, Hello everyone =)
wheels4law: Among the many things that I have been accused of include, being opinionated, obnoxious, abrupt, Republican, lawyer, vegetarian, Yankee fan etc..
wheels4law, with the exception of the veggies and the Yankee problem you have, we could be brothers.
Work on that Yankee thing (there is a cure for it) and I'll introduce you to some hot Red Sox chicks.
