Last post Mon, May 19 2008 1:52 AM by Becky. 8 replies.
1) Talk to an attorney and get him involved in the process.
2) Can she take care of you at home? She may not want you home because she can't care for you properly there.
3) Does she still want to be married to you and just not saying so to spare your feelings? If so, she could file for divorce and file a restraining order against you, which could get ugly, and if that's the case, refer to point 1.
There have been several very good responses to your Post, and I am glad you have been able to consider them. However, I do not think that they mean you should automatically give in. Consider having a serious conversation with your wife, perhaps with a social worker or therapist present, so that the issues can really be clarified. You may be able to adjust happily to your present situation, or it may be that moving back home would be manageable. I would suggest keeping your options open for just a bit until things are more clarified. Good luck.
My heart goes out to you Ronh20.... disabilities takes everything out of a marriage. I know from personal experiance as well as talking to others that many of us are shoved aside as our care and needs is many times more than our spouses want or can deal with.
Your wife is probably more than tired with just caring for her mother, but you have rights too. I don't know if the home you are speaking of is yours and hers, or anything about your financial situation, but you may want to look at this logically as well. Why do you continue to stay married to her if it's obvious she doesn't want you anymore? I mean, if this was my marriage, I'd have to put my priorities first. If her Mom is than bad off, why isn't SHE in a nursing unit and your wife can spend the time with you? Seems to me, and please correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like she's making excuses to keep you away.
I KNOW it's hard to have to put a parent in a facility. I've had to make that choice twice in my life myself. I also watched my mother-in-law struggle with this same desicion about her husband of fifty-something years, but by the time she did do it, he was no longer mentally or emotionally the man she married. But he wasn't capable of being in the kitchen by himself... you portray a man who's able to do much to care for yourself. I'm sorry honey, I really am. I know there's a lot more behind your story, but really, it's time you start thinking of you as a man alone rather than being there "temorarily". I have a sneaking suspicicion she's very happy with the arrangement and if/'when her mother passes or is no longer her responsibility, will she come up with another excuse to keep you in the nursing home?
I struggled for twenty years with back pain and arthrtits until it finally won and put me in the chair. I was also on my third marriage, you would be surprised how many men are just shallow enough that caring for someone they claim they love has decided to make them walk away. I guess it's true for women as well, although I don't think it happens quite as often since females are supposed to be natually nurturing. (Not in MY family though... most of the men here in my life were the nurturing ones.
I am really glad though that you have a computer and Internet access though. You are living my worse nightmare, being in a nursing home and being alone. I wish there was a program (maybe there is? Someone enlighten me!) where all disabled people get a computer with access. I know being able to reach out to others when I'm alone has saved me more than once.
I keep you and your wife in my prayers and thoughts. I know it's not easy for her either. But it's time I think to look at this realistically for you as well.
Shimas
Having been in nursing homes myself I can understand you wanting to go home. My wife and I live like roomates, and neither one of us can afford to go anywhere else. Take a good hard look at your present situation before you decide if you would be better off home.
See, that adds a new dimension to the issue, that she's caring for her mother as well as working.
I would suggest getting with a mental health professional/counselor/pastoral counselor and talking WITH her. Find out WHY she doesn't want you home. Find out if it's concerns about care issues, or something else. Find out if there is ANY compromise or alternate arrangements that can be made to help. For example, if she doesn't want you home for fear of not being able to care for you, does your insurance cover nursing care that would allow you to go home but keep the burden off your wife? Etc.
I would suggest before making ANY decision, you need to talk to her with a third-party involved who can help you through it. It might be that she loves you very much but can't care for you because of everything else. Caregivers are under a lot of stress. Not to say you're not under stress, but she might feel overwhelmed at the thought of taking care of not one, but two people.
Of course, if her answer is something else, again, that's something the two of you need to work out with the assistance of a third party who is skilled at dealing with issues between couples.
Good luck.
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It must have been, and still is, terrible. I agree with some of the above statements and disagree with others. I know my husband was talking about putting me in a home when I got sick. He was overwhelmed with my care and so scared. I think there might be something more to her not wanting you home, but it's also possible she is just afraid of being overwhelmed. Don't assume the worst in her. If you are doing well in the assisted living facility and can do most of your own care though, why can't you live at home with home nursing coming in to help? You do need a third party involved here, but not a lawyer, at least not yet. A social worker should be able to help you. Check at your facility. Don't give up just yet! Godspeed.
Becky
