Last post Thu, Jul 10 2008 1:26 PM by Tom. 17 replies.
My nephew had a disc surgery gone wrong and came out paralyzed from the waist down, 3/4 years ago. After Fisherville he moved into his parents home, they had added a handicap accessible bathroom. His dad had a computer job available for him, but, he wouldn't go. He just stays home, leaves only for PT and Doctor's appts.(of course, he's very distrusting of Doctors). Last Sept. his Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months. With chemo she's still mobile, but, dealing with pain and dizziness. Her son has become disruptive in the home with rudeness and anger. He didn't celebrate his Mom's Birthday and made her cry with his comments. His Dad tried to talk with him in a calm manner(although of course he's very angry with him) and he said "Why celebrate? What about me? I'm a cripple." Obviously, this situation is awful for everyone. They've asked me to talk to him. I AM SO UNPREPARED! I really believe it would be best for him to find a place of his own and become responsible for himself.not only now for his Mom's sake ,but, in the long run for himself. And although his Mom would be worried about him making the transition, it would make her home more of a sanctuary to help her through the coming months. Are there apartments that he could rent? Is there someone 30-40 years old in the Portsmouth area who could advise and guide me and him. I want to help as much as possible but really feel inadequate. My computer skills include emailing and making cards-other than that I'm lost. But, I found this site and am hoping someone out ther can help me out, Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.
YOU NEVER DID SAY HIS AGE ! SOUND LIKE HE IS ON A SELF PITY PARTY ! CRIPPLED ? I HAVE NOT HEARD THAT TERM FOR A LONG TIME AND I HAVE BEEN DISABLED FOR 53 YEARS , SOUNDS LIKE HE NEED TO MOVE ON ACCEPT HIS DISABILITY AND GAIN SOME RESPECT FOR HIS MOTHER , THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT HIM ANYMORE ! THERE COMES A TIME TO GROW UP AND ACT AND BEHAVE LIKE A MAN . I AM SURE WITHOUT ANY DOUBT HIS MOTHER SUPPORTED HIM DURING HIS HARD TIMES , WELL NOW IS THE TIME FOR HIM TO GET A SWIFT KICK IN THE BUTT AND GROW UP ~~~~~~~~RAINEY XO
I feel that this person is still in the "grief" process over his own accident, and now faces another tragedy. It is no 'pity party' to be unable to deal with some of life's truly cruel tricks of fate on the timetable life demands. I think he needs a therapist immediately, or at least a minister/rabbi with pastoral counseling experience, to start to work with his emotions.
I DO NOT think kicking him out, at the time of his mother's illness, is necessarily the right step. He seems to me to be obviously unable to understand how to move to the next step in life, and leaving him without his family support will not necessarily help. Additonally, what about her? She may feel she wants and needs him near her during this time, no matter what his behavior is.
Family therapy would be ideal, and perhaps you could get a therapist to come to the home once or twice a week to talk to everyone there about these issues. Just because some of us have been able to overcome difficulties does not mean that all can in the "proper" time frame.
Just one perspective. My love and prayers to the whole family. Bonnie
P.S. Please feel free to "Personal Message" me to discuss this at more length, should you choose. I am an ordained minister.
Hi Sally, I'm Sandy. Sounds like your nephew is a very angry man. I also would like to know his age. I think I would have been angry also, but he should have more respect for his parents that took him in. In that respect he is only a boy. You came to a great site. Someone here can help you. So stick around your answer maybe just around the corner. Take Care Now, Sandy
Dear Sally,
I have been a counselor for over 20 years. What a tragedy for the whole family. You might talk with Mom and Dad first.Your nephew, at present, may be the hardest to reach. His parents are probably more open to talking about the situation. Mom needs to know that her son's anger and cruelty are not about her. This is displaced anger aimed at his "safest" target. Mom and Dad must keep their boundries up and see it for what it is. Anger is often a "cover up" for tremendous fear. Fear of losing Mom at his most vulnerable time. Fear of dealing with an out of control situation and a life that will never be the same again. I don't condone his behavior, but I understand it. Very few of us would know how to gracefully accept his situation.
I agree that perhaps the best thing to suggest is someone from the clergy, a therapist or counselor come and work with the family. If your nephew refuses Mom and Dad need to work with this person without him. They can learn coping stratagies and gain support for themselves. I do not think his moving out is necessarily the right answer unless he wants that. Anger turned outward may be hard to deal with, but anger turned inward can lead to depression and worse. Being told to leave could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I too am willing to be available if you want to contact me. Now you have two caring and qualified people who can be of help.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
pambe
Aunt Sal
Sounds like your nephew is having a difficult time. In my experience with disabilities, Polio and Post Polio Syndrom for me, I have found that I listen better to people who have had the same experience. Maybe if you could contact your local hospital or Vets group and see if there is a support group of paralized men with someone who would be willing to talk to your nephew, maybe challenge him. We all have different pain and work through it in our own way, but someone(outside our family) who has been there before us might have a clearer, third person idea of how to deal with everyday life.
Personally I have found that my disabilities have taught me a lot of good lessons and skills that I have been able to use in everyday life. Please tell your nephew, from one who has learned, your mode of transportation, chair cane, brace, has nothing to do with you the person. You are as you were before the change. You still have the skills, talents, desires and possibilities that make you uniquely you.
I am a praying woman and will lift your entire family in prayer for comfort, support, understanding and healing.
Becky
You guys are way too nice. This guy needs a swift kick in the ass. His dad had ajob for him but he wouldn't go. His mother is fighting cancer and he made her cry in her birthday? Time to kick him to the curb and make him grow up. This is his life now. Time to face it.
Sally, as for housing for him. Contact the local housing authority. Also, is he in Portsmouth New Hampshire?
TriDog: You guys are way too nice. This guy needs a swift kick in the ass. His dad had ajob for him but he wouldn't go. His mother is fighting cancer and he made her cry in her birthday? Time to kick him to the curb and make him grow up. This is his life now. Time to face it. Sally, as for housing for him. Contact the local housing authority. Also, is he in Portsmouth New Hampshire?
You know, as much as I hate to admit it, TriDog is right. (Just kidding dude, I love your posts!) This kid needs a swift kick in the arse whether or not he can feel it. To do that to his Mom, with what she has to deal with is just plain awful. Seems to me his parents have done alot for him, and he's not looking past his own selfish needs. My suggestion is a shrink. I agree he's still grieving about the loss of his legs, but man, there are hundreds of thousands of people who can't walk who don't abuse everyone around them like this.
Sounds like he's a young adult to me, mid-twenties? Man, so much he CAN do! If he's willing to go to PT, how about wheelchair sports? He'd get out some of his anger, those guys are brutal! I wince everytime two wheelchairs collide. But I think the time of treating him with kid gloves is past. I wish you and the family all the best.
Independent Living Centers offer peer support services that may assist either your
nephew, if he's open to it, ot his other family members to work through the questions and problems if your nephew is unwilling to participate, with a kind of, "what are my choices if this person continues to make these choices" Go to ilru.org to find a list of centers by state. (I'm thinking Portsmouth means NH, but maybe not.)
wenwhit.
I can only tell you about my own struggel. I was coming home from work when a car changed lanes in front of me. I had a brite white light in front and a flashing red light in back and no helmit. I got tanggeld up in the back bumper and dragged off the bike. I went to the hospital and after looking at me brefly they let me go with some low leval pain killers and antibiotics. I passed out wile making a phone call in the lobby. 9 months latter I woke up in the hosptal, disabled. I was mad at the world but I wanted to live. I struggeld with my feelings for a wile and got on with my life. I still struggleing but I am getting better. I am no longer angry and no ones going to do the work for me I will have to find my own way. Hope this helps you to heal. Tom
I can read and understand everybodies threads on this post. What i am about to say is hard for me to write but i think it needs saying and if my situation, in the past, can help someone now, i would like to do that.
In 2002 i was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and other mental illnesses. At the time i had just lived on the streets for 2 weeks and then secured a room in a hostel. I was taken ill with an allergic reaction to prescribed medication and rushed into hospital. As a result i lost my hostel place and on Christmas Eve 2002 my mum drove for 12hours to pick me up and bring me home.
By March 2003 i was still coming to terms with my condition and still had issues and wanted to kill myself. At the end of March my parents asked me to leave there home. This was probably the hardest and toughest thing they have ever done and the last thing, at the time, i wanted to hear.
As i was already ill, the council housed me for 10 days in a b&b. At the end of the ten days i was offered and accepted a temporary flat providing i seeked professional help for my anger and illness. To cut a long story short, i am now physically and mentally disabled but have a purpose built flat (which i have had for 20 months), i am building a new life for myself and have medical support and i have been through a course of counselling.
Don't get me wrong, it is not easy but sometime TOUGH LOVE is necessary and it is possible to start over and deal with what life throws at you.
I hope my comments help someone somewhere, Chris x
Thats right Chris, Tough Love is necessary sometimes even if it hurts the person that is doing it to the person who needs it. There is no need for him to take advantage of his parents like he does. That was a sad story you just told, Chris. Take Care Now, Sandy
