Q: My husband is paraplegic from a spinal tumor, and is having a very difficult time with our sexual relationship. It’s getting so that he doesn’t even want to try. What can we do to get over this?
A: First you need to take the pressure off. You are going through an adjustment period together. You both need to allow time for whatever your grieving/rediscovery process needs to be. Asking this question is a good start—getting informed is definitely part of the process.
Given your husband’s resistance, there is obviously some deep grieving going on. A change in sexual function is a real loss, and feelings have to be allowed to run their course. But have faith that it’s a temporary process, albeit possibly a lot of work and emotional ups and downs. You can get through it to a renewed and satisfying sexual relationship.
It’s typical of this time for people to be stuck in certain beliefs about the impact of a recent disability on their sexuality. These are beliefs that turn out not to be true, and so they unnecessarily extend the grieving process. Your husband—and you—might need to reconsider any or all of the following.
Are you wanting sex to be “the same as it was before?” The desire to resurrect the same style of sex, feel the same kinds of sensations, and perform the same acts is just a trap. It guarantees that you’re going to keep responding with a sense of loss rather than a spirit of exploration. And it denies the possibility that there is another style of sex you can find together that will be intimate and fun and loving. You both need, at least, to be willing to consider that this is possible. Can you let go of what you think sex is supposed to be and consider what it can be?
Which leads to the next belief, that there are no acceptable alternatives. But “alternatives” such as kissing, touching, oral stimulation, using toys, fantasy, and taking more visual pleasure in watching your partner are not compromises. These activites have more erotic potential than many people ever explore. Here’s your chance.
Is your husband fixed on notions of what it is to “be a man?” Now that he can’t “perform” in some of the same positions he was used to, now that he isn’t having the sensations he used to have—perhaps not experiencing orgasm or ejaculation in the same ways he used to—he may feel that his very masculine identity is threatened. The role he thinks he’s supposed to play as a lover may seem—and in fact, may be—out of reach. The more deeply invested he might be in this belief, the more difficult it will be for him to redefine himself as a lover. To discover that the real goals involved are intimate connection and satisfying sensuality, not maintaining the role of athletic lover. It’s that very redefinition that paves the road to success, and many people have proven many times over that it’s possible.
At this initial stage, it’s easy to imagine that the disappointment one feels with reduced sensation and not being able to engage in the typical “sex techniques” will continually come up during lovemaking, spoiling it forever. Why try if it only means having to face wanting it to be different and the sense of perpetual loss associated with it?, you might wonder. Believing that this feeling of disappointment will always occur during sex is a horribly effective stopper to getting in there to find out what’s possible. Those many who have proven it many times over learned that choosing to enjoy what’s possible far outweighs the disappointment around what isn’t. The disappointment becomes minimal, if not irrelevant—or at least manageable.
Insecurity about being able to maintain his erection and not being able to judge the status of his erection during intercourse is another source of great stress for some paraplegic men. If he hasn’t already, your husband should visit his urologist to discuss options for achieving a lasting erection so that you can have dependable intercourse. He might need to deal with the other issues mentioned here before he’s ready to embrace this, but hopefully he’ll come to discover that intercourse can still be enjoyable and meaningful without full sensation.
Consider the options. Either you give up on sex entirely, or you engage the process from the perspective that you want to have a sex life, that you want to express this innate part of what you are as a couple. That you want to manifest your love. That you want to show each other that you love each other any which way you can.
Responses are by noted author, speaker and recreational juggler Gary Karp, whose books include Disability and the Art of Kissing. Karp has been honored by induction into the Spinal Cord Hall of Fame as a disability educator. Find out more about Karp at Modern Disability.
