Dating with a disability can be daunting, a fact that Carmen Jones knows all too well. Today, she’s a successful entrepreneur and married mother of two who has met President Obama and made a name for herself. But how did she develop a romantic relationship way back when?
Carmen was a junior in college when she was in the auto accident that injured her spinal cord and turned her life upside down. After friends, family and the college president convinced her to return to school, she knew she’d be the only one on campus using a wheelchair. But with her positive attitude and spirit, she accepted who she was.
Dating Increased After Accident
“I actually dated more after my accident than before,” she says. “I don’t know what that was really about! I was tentative at first, but I just jumped into the whole notion of dating.” She laughs at the thought.
“I figured out, ‘What were the lessons learned?’ afterwards. That isn’t always the best!” she says.
In spite of her success, Carmen remains grounded. It’s the way she’s always been.
“To myself, I’m just myself. I don’t think of myself as anything special or different, and my friends tell me that comes across in their dealings with me,” she says. “I guess for a lot of people it’s a compliment when someone says, ‘I forget you’re disabled.’ I don’t think that’s a compliment, but my disability is definitely not my area of focus.”
That includes sharing personal information regarding her health and daily care, which she divulges only on an “as-needed” basis. Otherwise, she feels, “It’s like you’re dating someone who’s family!”
Carmen first became acquainted with her future husband on campus, where the two were students.
“When I met Carlton, we had some mutual friends and he would always be around during our study sessions,” she recalls. “We just started talking about a bunch of different issues unrelated to my disability. He slowly started asking me questions and a comfort level built.”
She enjoyed talking to him, and they clicked.
The “Nice Disabled Girl”
“I made the first move actually!” she says. “I let him know [that I was interested in a romance] and he told me he just wanted to be my friend. At that point, I was sure it was just because I was the nice disabled girl that no one would date and I’ll be everybody’s friend.”
The dreaded “just friends” talk! But Carmen simply continued the relationship as it had been, and it paid off.
“He really did like me, but he was a little nervous about it,” she realized. “He finally put the anxiety to the wind and we started dating in 1988. Except for a little break-up in between there, we got married in 1992 and have been married since.”
Was there a moment then when she knew he was “the one”?
“I think he knew before me that we were going to be together. He had hung around my family. My brother went to the same college as well, so Carlton and my brother were friends. He was very familiar with us and what he was getting himself into.” Carmen laughs.
Meeting the In-laws
Even so, the anticipation of meeting his family was nerve-wracking.
“I was concerned. My husband did not want to tell his parents before I met them that I had a disability. He said, ‘You’re not different to me and what’s the big deal?’”
Carlton had told his parents that his girlfriend was “about this tall” and he brought his hand down to her height.
“That’s going to sound like I’m a person of short stature!”Carmen exclaimed to him with a grin. But it got the issue of difference out of the way.
“Once we met, then I could just be, and the focus was not on my disability. Of course I answered their questions, but it just became a regular relationship,” she recalls. “They were very gracious and not judgmental.”
The couple now have two children, one of whom has disabilities. Carlton’s international business travel and Carmen’s work across the U.S. takes the two away from home on a regular basis. Although Carmen’s parents help watch the kids, there’s no nanny to assist with day-to-day tasks. Carmen admits that, “It’s a big challenge for all the obvious reasons.”
So how do they manage to stay close in spite of their chaotic lives?
“The way we make it work is that we have to be a really tight team.”
Writer’s note: In a very short time, Carmen’s humor and kindness made her feel like part of the family here at Disaboom. Therefore, it is with extreme sadness that we note the death of her son, Marcus, shortly after this interview.
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Adjustment in a Marriage with a Disability
