Under a clear blue sky near a grassy clearing in the Blue Ridge Mountains, I began fumbling for the small box I had hidden in my wheelchair earlier in the day. My girlfriend of nearly two years was distracted behind the lens of our camera and the moment seemed perfect. Since getting on one knee wasn’t a possibility, I lowered myself onto the ground and we sat closely together. I was nervous, excited and hopeful and asked that magical question.

To my joy – and relief – she said, “Yes!”

A few minutes later, as we were making our way down the mountain to share news of our engagement with family and friends, my wheelchair hit an unexpected dip and I flipped onto the ground. So much for floating above the clouds. We both laughed and decided that my falling headfirst at her feet meant that we were in for a fantastic life together and we had already agreed upon our roles.

As anyone who lives with a disability will attest, life is unpredictable. The path to planning a wedding is no different. Even when everything appears to be simply perfect, and all the details are in order, there are those little reminders that keep us honest and grounded. We can’t plan everything. Sometimes the best lessons in life come from unexpected occurrences.

I am fortunate that my fiancée asked me to join her in planning our wedding. While we each have our own tasks, we are working hard together to plan the simple, elegant, traditional day we both envision. And we are having fun, too.

But as a groom in a wheelchair, I have a few additional responsibilities to consider. Anticipating obstacles related to my disability and expecting the unexpected are both on my list. Remembering two key items will help get your planning off on the right foot.

Keep the Wheelchair in Perspective
After spending a day meeting with vendors from bakers to photographers, I learned that the wheelchair – not the bride and groom – can easily become the center of attention. When making important decisions, it is important to keep the wheelchair in perspective. Introduce yourself to all the vendors and personnel who will be involved as far in advance as possible so that they become comfortable with the wheelchair and understand your abilities and limitations. Teach them that the wheelchair is part of you, it should not be the center of attention and it should not drive all decisions.

If you don’t want the wheelchair to be front and center in every photograph, for example, ask the photographer and videographer to include candid shots from creative angles. If you need extra assistance with anything throughout the day, like getting in and out of a limousine or town car, schedule a dry run and educate the driver or a groomsman on how to store your wheelchair and assist with the transfers if needed.

Dressing Sharp as a Wheelchair User
If your wedding is less conservative, or you are getting married in a destination where aloha shirts and shorts are the norm, looking sharp will be a snap. For most grooms, the traditional wedding tuxedo is the standard attire. After a fitting at the tuxedo store, I learned that adding a vest to the outfit will help hide a shirt whose tails just don’t want to stay in place. Wearing a tailcoat (with the tails tucked under the seat) instead of a single-breasted or double-breasted jacket will allow better movement and limit the material that might get caught in the wheels.

If you plan to rent matching dress shoes, be sure to try them on ahead of time. Heels might not sit properly on footplates and tight shoes might lead to pressure sores and discomfort that you might not notice until it is too late.

So what about us? Well, we plan to celebrate our wedding in an old university chapel that was dedicated in the late 1800s. It’s not totally accessible according to modern ADA standards but it is wheelchair friendly. We have figured out a clever way for me to roll from the elevated altar to the main aisle that removes two stairs from the equation. Our reception will take place at a nearby country club and we are working with staff to add a temporary ramp so that the entire building is accessible to everyone in wheelchairs.

And of course we understand that there are those things that no groom or bride can plan or anticipate. My disability is just one item on a long list of unpredictables. So if I happen to flip from the wheelchair onto the dance floor in front of a room full of excited guests like I did the day we got engaged…well, there’s no ADA code, accessibility guideline or sure fire way to eliminate bad dancing.  No one will really care, will they? All eyes will be on the bride!
 
The countdown to our big day has begun. I’ll keep you updated on our wedding and honeymoon plans with a few more updates in the coming months…