About Me

On September 14, 2005, I suffered a dual brain aneurysm and subarachnoid hemorrhage (a hemorrhagic stroke; my neurosurgeon referred to it as a massive bleed.) I may have been predisposed to stroke; my father had an Ischemic stroke in 1979. I suffered a major skull fracture in 1962 that was never really acknowledged as TBI. In those days, no one knew (or cared about) the comprehensive effects - emotional, physical, and spiritual - of serious head injuries. On the date of the massive bleed, I was employed by a large public agency as a payroll and personnel specialist. I was assigned to a work site that I really loved because I felt and saw that I could make a difference in people s lives. This is some of the most rewarding activities people can be involved in helping others with no thought of a return, no conditions, no expectations. This is more precious to me than any money, prestige, position, or material enrichment. It was no small wonder that I was willing to devote considerable overtime and free time to this position. Typically, my days consisted of at least ten hours of work and whatever else I could pack into a 24-hour period; I was burning my proverbial candle at every available end. THE LIGHTNING BOLT: On the night of September 14, 2005, I came home and started to cook dinner. I reached under the stove for a pan and was hit with severe dizziness, kind of like the feeling prior to fainting; I said, oh my God! and blacked out. In my unconsciousness, I felt as if my head had been thrust into a bucket of ice water, and I saw (brain hallucination / vision?) dark red blood flooding before my eyes. Some time later, I returned to consciousness on the kitchen floor with EMT personnel all over me trying to get me onto a gurney. I was drenched in sweat; I had no feeling from my chest down; I could barely speak; I could not move any part of my body no matter how hard I tried. EMT took me by ambulance to the local trauma center (UCD Medical Center, Sacramento). That is the last of my memory of that night and of my memory until about February 2006, a period of approximately 6 months. At the hospital, I underwent two brain surgeries. The first surgery was for clipping of the ruptured aneurysms. Next, the doctors installed a shunt to remove blood and cerebral-spinal fluid from the inside of my skull. The brain treats free blood inside the brain cavity as a foreign substance; it kills brain cells and must be removed to prevent death. I remained in Neuro ICU for about three weeks, part of which time I was comatose. After ICU, I moved to the neuro "floor" and the hospital eventually discharged me in October 2005. I do not remember anything (or very, very little) from September 14, 2005 up to about New Years 2006. This must have been Divine, merciful intervention since I was delirious and in extreme pain for quite some time. After a few months at home and not aware of what was going on (amnesia & sequencing issues), I began in-home rehabilitation; the areas of focus were physical rehab, speech and cognitive rehab (executive functioning), and occupational therapy. Following in-home rehab, I obtained a driver s license recertification and was able to drive myself to the main hospital for rehabilitation. I attempted to return to work, at first part-time and then full time. That was a mistake! I crashed and burned in that pursuit. Full time work in my occupation (Payroll & Personnel Specialist) did not work out. The stress drove my blood pressure and dizzy spells "through the roof." I also suffered (and continue to suffer) major memory and sequencing deficits. It is difficult getting non-survivors (aka normies, civilians, earth people) to understand the gravity of stroke and TBI. Even professionals are at a loss most of the time. Much has changed because of my stroke. Prior to the massive bleed, I was a 110%, in your face, Type A personality. I was a highly skilled specialist with considerable historical and institutional perspective on my employer’s operations and its personnel. The stroke definitely slowed me down and continues to cause me to see what the important things are in life; I try not to waste my limited energies and attention span on trivialities. I have pretty much accepted that my life will never be the same as it was prior to the stroke and that is OK! Those around me (professionals included) need to accept that fact too. If you are a TBIer stand up for yourself or find someone who will, a survivor advocate or a group that advocates on behalf of stroke victims. Survivor Advocacy "But we all need to stand up for ourselves and have a better life; no one should have to live in pain." OK, I will buy that and go one more: we all need to become serious advocates for ourselves and other less able sufferers of brain injury. My experience has been that many, many people (normies and many doctors) have NO CLUE regarding what traumatic brain injury is all about and just how gravely so many of us are affected. Sadly, most people are so selfish and pre-occupied with the details of their own little lives, they cannot find it within themselves to reach out and acknowledge REAL SUFFERING. After all, brain injury might be contagious and they could "catch it!" Since we are not running around minus arms, legs, eyes or something visible, we are just fine; we have no disability, and all the rest of that happy, "I'm denying your pain and you as a person" BS. As we all know, nothing could be further from the reality of our situation. We need to educate them in a sympathetic and patient way. I urge you to ask the tough questions; demand the meaningful answers (if the "answer" makes no sense to you, it probably makes no sense to the "answerer" either), and hold people (including doctors) accountable for their actions or lack thereof. This is sometimes called self-determination and is part of being an autonomous human being. God Bless you in your quest. I would love to hear from you; your comments are welcome. WALTER, Sacramento, CA [brain2005@comcast.net]