Even when you know you’re sexy, disability fetishism can take you by surprise. After all, an attraction to people with disability (PWD) isn’t exactly status quo. Yet there are people who find those who are amputees, wheelchair-users, or reliant upon various orthopedic appliances incredibly arousing.

While flattering to a certain extent, this can be intimidating to an individual with a disability. It can be hard to tell if someone is attracted to you or your physical challenge. It’s difficult to decipher if someone has a harmless fetish or if you’ve got a person with a paraphilia on your hands. So what are some things to be aware of in situations like these?

Fetish vs. Paraphilia
Given that the word “fetish” is greatly overused, and paraphilias are very misunderstood, it’s important to understand how each is defined. While fetishism is classified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) as a type of paraphilia, many sexologists regard the two as quite different. Unlike a paraphilia, a fetish isn’t necessarily a psychiatric problem.

A fetish is born when a person attaches erotic significance to a non-sexual object. It is characterized by having sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving the use of this object to produce or enhance sexual excitement. This can be with or without a partner. When it comes to people with disabilities, the look, sensation, and experience of the disability provides a sexual thrill.

A paraphilia, however, is considered more of a psychopathology in that the unconventional sexual behavior the individual is fixated on is recurring, obsessive and compulsive. When it comes to having a paraphilia involving disability, people are broken down into three categories:

1. Devotees – These individuals have an intense attraction for disability.
2. Pretenders – These persons have a sexualized fascination with mirroring aspects of disability and its appearance (they may pretend to be disabled themselves).
3. Wannabes – These people have a strong desire to reproduce the sensations, even to the point that they’re willing to inflict self-harm to acquire the disability.

Disability Disclosure
Whether a fetish or paraphilia, a large part of the attraction to a PWD is the ease with which one handles their disability. The less concealed they are about it, the sexier. Beyond that, there is a wide variety of preferences when it comes to facets of a disability. The attraction may be for a specific type of disability, including how it was acquired (e.g., trauma or illness) or how it is evidenced (e.g., scarring). One’s clothing, props, behaviors, or environment can be part of the eroticism as well.

Afflicting more males than females, those truly obsessed with disability may have jobs where they have professional contact with people with disabilities. They may also be involved with social or political efforts focusing on the well-being for people with disabilities. Those looking for community and support for their attraction can be found online, exchanging pictures, pornography, fictional stories, and tips for attracting people with disabilities.

Where Does a Disability Fetish Come From?
There is no clear explanation for why someone develops a fetish for those with disability. The list of potential reasons for such an attraction is long. Speculations aren’t always pretty, and include:

-A lack of success with able-bodied individuals, which makes people with disabilities safer targets of affection.

-The desire for a unique partner who garners attention from onlookers.

-Sadistic tendencies, where the individual loves having power over one of perceived lower status.

-Masochistic tendencies, where one gets satisfaction via feelings of self-degeneration that are associated with having a partner who is stigmatized.

-The imprint of early childhood experiences involving strong emotions for a people with disabilities. (Parental approval for any admiration can further reinforce such.)

-The need to feel like a hero in “saving” a people with disabilities.

Fetishes tend to be benign. In some ways, they are to envy since a person can be easily aroused when presented with the stimulus. They can, however, become problematic when they make it difficult to become intimate with a partner and/or are required for arousal and orgasm. (For help managing a problematic fetish, a person’s best course of action is to work with a certified sex therapist. You can find one in your area via the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists).

The Dangers of Paraphilia for People with Disabilities
Dealing with somebody who has a paraphilia, on the other hand, is an alarming situation since this is a type of pathological disorder. Amongst worst-case scenarios, a person with a disability paraphilia exhibits stalker behaviors, e.g., identifying individuals and seeking them out in a healthcare establishment or at disability gatherings. Any indication that a person is more interested in your disability than you is a sign to end any budding relationship.

Overall, people with a disability paraphilia fail to realize their idealized relationship. It can be difficult to find an available potential partner with a disability. Then there’s the matter of the two not feeling connected, both emotionally and sexually. Ultimately, one partner’s unusual sex drive is typically not compatible with the other’s journey to fulfill human relationship needs that are deemed “normal.” For people with disabilities, this “it was over before it started” can bring great relief.

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Check out Disability and Orgasm: Your Orgasmic Potential for more information about disability and sexuality.

Don't know how to talk to your partner about your disability? See Dating with a Disability: The Best Ways to Disclose Embarrassing Sex Issues.