Caring and Compassion

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ Dalai Lama (1935 - present)

Often a person becomes a caregiver by circumstance, when a baby is born with a disability, a parent develops Alzheimer's, an adult child comes home from war or a fully-able person develops a disabling condition. "More than 50 million people provide care for a chronically ill, disabled or aged family member or friend during any given year, and 44% of them are men."* Being thrown into this unfamiliar activity of caring for a family member, whether it be full- or part-time, brings up a multitude of questions and feelings.

What needs to be done, and how should it be done? There are classes and tip lists available. The person you are suddenly caring for is still your baby, your parent, child or loved one who needs help with mobility, dementia, errands or meals. "The value of the services family caregivers provide for 'free' is estimated to be $257 billion a year. That is twice as much as is actually spent on home care and nursing home services."* The National Family Care Association has an even higher estimate. Wow.

In an article about Barbara Moscowitz, 2007 winner of the Kenneth B. Schwartz Compassionate Caregiver Award, she emphasized the person needing care wants the caregiver to "see past their walkers and hearing aids, their illnesses and infirmities, to the human beings inside." That can be done by remembering who the person was before the disability took hold, how the parent took care of you, how the sibling laughed, remembering the hopes and plans for the baby before being born with a severe disability.

Carers have to remember the people being cared for and why they started the caring role in the first place. Sometimes that is difficult after a day of cleaning, listening, guiding, feeding, and other taxing chores, and doing them all with love. Caring for a family member can be emotionally and physically draining, regardless of the age of the person needing care. Family caregivers have a great incidence of depression, sleeplessness, back pain, and they are likely to develop chronic illness themselves. Stress reduces the effectiveness of the immune system.

We all remember that the person needing care likely had a life before. At the same time, remember that caregivers also had their own lives before the extra task of care giving was added. Being a person with a disability or a disabling disease or condition is difficult and frustrating. Caring for that person is also difficult and frustrating, with the added responsibility like taking away the car keys or ensuring opportunity exists. It is the carer who ultimately helps make life be as fair as it can be. It is both who struggle with new roles and the new order of life.

There are stages as well as transitions in the care giving roles, requiring balance and patience.

"There are four kinds of people in this world: those who have been caregivers,
those who currently are caregivers, those who will be caregivers,
and those who will need caregivers." ~ Rosalynn Carter**

To honor carers, November is National Family Caregiver Month.

Notes:
*National Family Caregivers Association - caregiver statistics
**Rural Assistance Center

Other interesting links:
Well Spouse Association - Spousal Caregiver support
Susanne Mintz - blog by National Family Caregiver Association president, covering issues and presidential campaign
Compassionate Caregiver - Site for caregivers of cancer patients, but others are welcome. Provides stories, hints, ways to relax.
10 Steps for Compassionate Caregiving - Checklist for nursing aids providing tips for how to do tasks.
5 Ways To Show You Care - blog on Multiple Sclerosis Central by an MSer about her caregiver/husband. Be sure to check out the next post, 5 Ways from the other point of view.